Sam Venable  

Special Contributor

I’m not what you would call a certified, card-carrying collector of cookbooks. Mainly because the length and breadth of my culinary artistry falls under the categories of boiling, frying and grilling.

Nonetheless, I do have one coveted treasury of recipes. It came from Jeannie Doriot, a kindergarten teacher at Knoxville’s Giffin Elementary School. Whenever I read it, my stomach turns into knots.

Every May, Doriot helps her five- and six-year-old students make a unique Mother’s Day gift. She asks them to describe the best dish their mamas prepare. After recording this information—straight out of the mouths of the babes—she compiles it in booklet form. The results are hilarious, even if they would send Betty Crocker packing for a nunnery.

For example, check out this formula for pound cake, courtesy of Matthew Dunlap: “First, I believe you put the sugar in a pan. One pound of sugar because it’s a pound cake. Boil it for an hour. Then you put butter on it—one pound, too. Then you turn it over so it can get brown on the other side. Then you take it out and put some syrup on it. Cut it up and it’s ready.”

It wasn’t until I read this cookbook that I realized the lost art of alchemy has been rediscovered in kitchens near Doriot’s school. Consider chocolate chip cookies from Matt Gerken and apple sauce from Mindy Floyd:

“Get some raisins—five,” instructed Matt. “Then put some powder—cooking powder—in a bowl. And you stir it up. Put it in the oven for 15 minutes. While they cool off, the raisins turn into chocolate chips and you have chocolate chip cookies.”

For apple sauce, Mindy said, “You get a quart of apple cider. And then you pour it into something, kind of like a milk carton. And put it in the freezer for about nine hours. Then it freezes for a little while and turns into apple sauce.”

Phillip Norris, who must be somewhat of a numbers freak, also came up with a unique recipe for chocolate chip cookies: “You need seven cartons of milk, three cups of salt, two eggs and some more milk after all that—seven more. Get five chocolate chips. Stir it a long time for a little bit and it’ll get real fluffy. Get a pan and get one of those mixer spoons and put the cookies on the pan. Put seven cookies in. Put them in the oven and let them bake for an hour. Take them out when it dings. Let them cool and put them in a bowl for your children to eat.”

Need a quick cake? Robbie Cochran can fill the bill: “Get a cracker. Put icing on the cracker.”

Grant McMahan is my candidate for the Chamber of Commerce’s Visit-All-The-Stores Award, although he may not be able to accept if he eats too many of these hamburgers:

“We have to get some meat at Kroger’s—one package. Then get some bread or some buns, probably at Food City. Take the package off the meat and just put it on a bun of a hamburger. Then, put it in the oven. My mom leaves them in about 20 seconds or something—no, not that much. But that’s probably plenty. Then you take it out. If you have any ketchup you can put it on there. Or mayonnaise.”

Aljerome Grimes, on the other hand, is a devotee of longer cooking, as witness this formula for broccoli: “It comes in this bag. Let it cook for 11 hours. Take it out and put cheese on it and let it melt while it’s in the pan. When you’re through you eat it.”

To top off the meal, I suggest Keyawna Bingham’s strawberry cake: “You’re supposed to put garlic in it—just one drop. Mix it up and then you’re supposed to put something else in it. You should put a little more garlic in it, too. Then you should put it in the oven for about five minutes. Then my mama will check it to make sure it don’t get burned.”

Yum, yum. Is dinner ready yet?

Sam Venable is an author, stand-up comedian, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. Email him at mahv@outlook.com.